The Even More Story
by KitsandBianca
Summary: Dude, it's finished. Done. Finis. Comprehendes?
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Hi. *Kits waves* Uh basically this is the product of a mini dare on a list were on. It is possibly one of the worst Mary Sues on the web, except ours is bad on purpose. We admit it. *both hang heads*

You can try and sue us if you want but technically we're both minors writing under assumed names so uh Good luck. And why are you picking on us anyway? Have you not seen some of the rubbish that is in circulation out there? Sheesh! At least we admit ours is bad*Bianca smiles infuriatingly*

Pre warning: This Story will probably not make sense. It is full of inside jokes and idiosyncrasies. DO NOT READ IT IF YOU WANT GOOD LITERATURE. You've been warned.

**The Even More Story**

****

Col. Hogan stood at the door to his office and observed the scene in front of him. Kits and Bianca, the two ring-in's from the future, were sitting at the main table playing cards with his 'first' team. Ever since they'd found a time travel transporter program through the Internet and some 'smart group' they were members of, they'd been frequent visitors at all hours of the morning when the rest of their world slept. He frowned.

"I thought I'd ordered you two back to your own time and bed." He glanced at his watch "It's 3 am! You shouldn't still be up!"

Kits looked up and grinned. "First of all, technically we're not in the military, so we don't have to obey you. Secondly we haven't been born yet so you can't make us do anything and thirdly you're a fictional character... " Kits broke noticing at Hogan's darkening look.

"….and we were about to step through the portal but Newkirk upped the betting and because we're millionaires due to economic inflation we thought we'd stay!" she finished in a hurry.

Hogan gave Newkirk a *look*.

"But, sir!" he protested. "At least if they're here we can keep an eye on them. Do you really want them," Newkirk looked pointedly at Bianca, "floating around in the '70's?"

"What was wrong with the 70's!?" Bianca spoke up indignantly.

Kinch snorted and made a Star Trek sign. "Beam me up Scotty!...You tell me."

"Hey! Watch who you're knocking!" shouted Kits, her love for Star Trek 

making her forget caution.

Carter clamped a hand over her mouth as everyone looked to the door. After a minute, it became evident that no guards were going to come crashing through. Carter removed his hand, and all of the men glared at Kits.

Kits grinned sheepishly. "Oops... sorry?" she said.

Just then there was a noise from the tunnels. Hogan glanced at Kinch, confused. 

"Are we expecting any- ?" he started to ask, but trailed off as he noticed the frenzied 'let's get outta here!' looks that Newkirk and Bianca were giving Kits.

Kits obviously wasn't catching on. Hogan, however, was a bit brighter. He blanched and asked them, "You were about to step through the portal when you decided to stay?"

Bianca bit her bottom lip. "Uh-huh."

"So the Portal was open?"

Bianca looked at Newkirk "Uh....yes Sir." He answered for them.

Kits finally caught on "Ruh-oh" she said.

And with that, the bunk bed opened and Kathy M. stuck her head into the barracks.

"Hey, Kathy!" Bianca waved. Kathy M. looked up.

"Oh, hey, Bianca!" Kathy waved back. "Where... are... we?" she began to ask, when she caught sight of Hogan and his men glaring at her. "Oh my gosh..." She suddenly squealed. "OH MY GOSH!"

Kits groaned, and Bianca quickly tried to stop Kathy M. as she stormed across the barracks "Whoa, mate!" 

Hogan, noticing the woman running towards him, had hurriedly stepped back and was pinned against the wall. LeBeau snickered at the man, who straightened and fixed his cap. Meanwhile, another head popped out from the bunk.

"Pauline!" Bianca cried.

"I hope no one else comes," Kits sighed. Suddenly, someone began rapping the bunk again. Pauline glanced at Kits.

"I'm a jinx..." she muttered. Bianca agreed readily, smiling broadly. An argument began, and the original Heroes were distracted with trying to get them to be quiet; Hogan was dodging Kathy M., who was comparing her jacket to his. "I knew it was Brown!" she was crying. 

Kinch was attempting to block anyone else from entering by sitting on the bunk.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Carter suddenly yelled. Everyone froze in place, and stared at the normally dormant young man. Newkirk regained his senses, however, and did the most sensible thing - pulled Carter's hat over his eyes.

Kinch suddenly realized that more than one person was pushing the bunk, 

and quickly stood.

"OW!" a suspiciously familiar voice cried.

"Are you ok?" another asked. Kinch looked exceedingly worried, and everyone waited, barely breathing, to see who would emerge.

"Hello-" Patti started.

"Guys!" Marg finished. They looked at each other and grinned. Hogan and LeBeau - who was, in a way, protecting the Colonel - exchanged glances. 

Bianca voiced everyone's thoughts when she piped up,

"Oh, boy... " but ruined the moment by adding "I need a smoke."

Newkirk's face brightened. "Smoke!" he repeated "What 'ave ya got?"

Colonel Hogan's face grew thunderous "How old are you!" he demanded

Bianca indignantly drew herself up to her full 5 feet 2 inches and replied "20! Where I come from, I'm legal!"

"How do you figure that?" LeBeau asked

"Oh that's easy" Pauline answered helpfully "You think of the number you first thought of, add 10, then subtract 4, then add a day, think of a different week....."

Kinch groaned "Another Crittendon" he mumbled.

"Well they killed the last one!" Kits spoke up pointing at Patti and Marg.

"But it was her idea!" Marg protested pointing back at Kits whilst Patti nodded in agreement before looking at Colonel Hogan and adding "According to Kits you're in the middle of a Nervous Breakdown!"

Hogan raised an eyebrow and turned to Kits. "Is that so?" he asked

"Uh…weren't you guys going for a smoke?" she asked looking at Newkirk and Bianca desperately.

Before they could answer Diane popped her head up the tunnel. "Did I miss the chat?" she asked

"Who're you?" Carter asked back.

"ColreHogan." Diane replied

"No you're not, I am!" Colonel Hogan protested

"No! I've always been colrehogan! Get your own sign on name!"

"What's a 'sign on' name? 'Col R.E Hogan' is my real name!"

Kathy spoke up "Uh Diane, he really is Col. Hogan!"

Diane still didn't pick up on it "Kathy! You're still here!" she exclaimed surprised to see the forum leader.

"Yes! And you can _see_ me" Kathy elucidated. {Bianca played with the thesaurus to get that word *beams proudly*}

"Oh" said Diane, then as it became clearer "Ohhhhh!"

"Colrehogan, meet Col R.E. Hogan" Pauline introduced being the ever diplomatic personality.

Whilst this little exchange was going on Kits, Bianca and Newkirk were inching towards the door hoping to make a getaway.

Just as they were about to open it and as if there wasn't enough confusion going on already the door burst open and Shultz walked in.

A/N Hi *waves* us again. Do you want more?  'Cause it's written! Who's next? Is it Carol, or Laurel or Candy or.….the flying monkey's we've heard so much about? Can it get any worse than this? Probably not, but we'll try anyway!


	2. Even more of the Even More Story

A/N: We're not crazy. We are NORMAL. NORMAALLLL!!!! Anyways, Bianca, I'm 

sure, says hi... Bianca: Hi!... and I say "bah". We've posted the next part 

of the horrible fic! Yeah for us... please don't hurt us... but it gets 

weirder, if possible...

"Hey Shultz" Kits, Bianca and Newkirk said simultaneously looking up at the obese guard.

"What is going on! Why aren't you all asleep!" he asked.

Before anyone could answer strains of a slightly off key version of "_Santa Lucia_" started coming from the tunnel.

"Carol's Here!" Kathy, Pauline, Bianca, Kits, Patti and Marg announced.

"Is she as crazy as the rest of 'em?" Newkirk asked Kits and Bianca out of the side of his mouth.

"I guess so." Said Kits. 

"You'll like her, though." Bianca added "She'll probably have a Vineyard with her."

As if to underline her point Carol's head appeared at that moment and she asked "Does anyone have a bottle opener?"

Kits and Bianca covered their giggles with their hands {Kits wrote that line, Bianca in theory would have sniggered, winked and chucked Carol her pocket knife.}. This was shaping up to not be such a bad day after all!

Schultz still stood, very confused, at the entrance to the Barracks. "Who are they?" he asked, pointing to Kathy, Pauline, Patti and Marg, Diane-still arguing fiercely that she was Colrehogan-and Carol. 

"How did they get here?"

Hogan sidled up to Schultz. "Well, they came through the time portal that them two," he jerked his thumb in the direction of Kits and Bianca who smiled and waved, "found. We decided to throw a party once they arrived."

Schultz snickered. "You expect me to believe that? Where would you find any party supplies?"

"I'll supply the drinks!" Carol grinned throwing her arm around Pauline and starting up another chorus of _Santa Lucia. _(Only the first 8 bars of course)

Just then, yet another knocking came from the bunk. "Can I come in?"  Julie popped up from the bunk. She looked around, and-spotting Colonel Hogan-gasped. 

"You rule!" Was all she could splutter before she wandered over to where the rest of the group stood, greeting her.

"Hey, Julie!"

"Glad you could make it, Julie!"

Hogan looked at Kits and Bianca confused. "She comes from a small town." Bianca offered as Kits grinned and shrugged.

Shultz meanwhile gulped, and was backing out, shielding his eyes, and shouting, 

"I see nothing! NOTHING!"

"Meet Newkirk. Newkirk, meet Julie," Bianca introduced. Kits was giving the barracks a confused                      {or confuzzled, ;) } stare.

"Who else is left?" she whispered to Bianca. Bianca started counting on her fingers.

"Um, Laurel, Marilyn, Cynda, Joanne, Kathy F - "

"No, she's already here." Kits interrupted pointing at Kathy M who was discussing the merits of the **brown** (get that people, it's BROWN) bomber jacket when you're on the road. 

"That's Kathy M" Bianca explained

"Kathy Who?" Kits asked

"No, Kathy M!" Bianca repeated adding a cheesy grin. 

*** boom – crash*** A cymbal and Hi-hat combo accompanied by a canned laughter track echoed round the barracks.

Bianca and Kits looked around perplexed and a little disturbed

"Dude, quit with the corny jokes" Kits murmured

"Hmmmmm" Bianca intoned before returning to listing the names she could remember off the top of her head

"…..Lauren, Cherry, Jelfia, Candy, Sarah, Clint,  . .. I dunno there are over 100 people on the list, Sheesh!"

"Never mind. We better close that portal, and FAST!" Kits piped up, for once using her brain.

"May I come in?" a voice chimed. Bianca was enjoying this immensely as she and Pauline started teaching Carol and anyone who would sing Australian drinking songs that are far too rude to feature in a 'g' rated story; Kits felt like banging her head against the nearest table but couldn't move it as Hogan was covering her ears.

"Sure, Why not! Come on in!" Bianca invited cheerily breaking off from a chorus about a rather interesting alternative for a stick of celery. Hogan glared at her, and she smiled innocently back at him. Newkirk looked at her in a confused state of interest. "Is that physically possible?" he asked.

"Hello, all!" Candy said as she climbed out into the main room of the barracks.

"Hey, Candy!" members of the group called. She sidled up next to Patti and Marg were chatting with a bunch of prisoners telling them about what they had planned for them after the war. 

"I become a doctor?" Wilson was asking.

"Oh yeah! You discover a miracle cure for punctured lungs. It only takes two weeks for them to heal!"

"Wow! That _is _impressive." murmured Wilson

Bianca looked at Kits and Newkirk "you know what this party needs?" She asked with a glint in her eye. 

"I don't think I want to know." Kits replied

"Oh, you do!" Bianca had said glancing around the room to double check that everyone was pre-occupied before slipping out the door into the compound. Newkirk went next. Kits sighed and glanced at Carter who was silently watching them "Coming?" Carter grinned and followed her out the door.

A/N G'day, Bianca this time. Uhhhh there is more We're trying to mention as many people as we can but it's hard keeping it bad without being insulting, so bare with us, YOU WILL GET A MENTION! And sorry 'bout the wait. 

Next chapter, the flying monkeys make a special appearance. *nods*.

And who's that at the gates? Is it Lily Frankle, Marlene Deitrich or one of the List members…..stay tuned to find out in the next exciting upload of the Even More Story.


	3. Even more of Even more of the Even More ...

A/N Hey! Sorry 'bout the wait. We made this one kindof long as  a sort of apology. (well we didn't really it was a fluke - but you don't know that…..hang on.) *****looks at Kits wildly*  …Just grin!

 *Grin**z***  That's Kits 

 *Grin**s***  That's Bianca.

As the four stood in the frigid night air (with Bianca being completely enthralled with the snow, 'cause it's SNOW y'all! Ice stuff that falls from the sky!) they didn't see Colonel Hogan peer at his watch. They sure heard him though

"Do you realize what time it is?!" he yelled at the swinging party. Kits, Bianca, Newkirk and Carter looked at each other.

"We're dead," Kits said.

Bianca grinned devilishly. "No worries! I have a plan!"

"No worries, she says... no worries!" Kits moaned.

"Don't be sad," Bianca offered

"Sad?" Kits pulled a confused face at Bianca's choice of words

"I know it's sad" Bianca repeated.

"So sad," Newkirk added

"It's a sad, sad situation." Newkirk intoned

"This is getting more and more absurd." Kits voiced

"'Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word' Elton John/ Bernie Taupin (Big Pig Music) 1976 Happenstance Ltd. Produced by Gus Dudegeon." Carter blurted out

The other three gave him perplexed looks.

"Plagurism is bad." He said simply.

"But that's not the same as the song!" Bianca protested

"It was close enough" Carter was adamant.

"You're kidding me right? What were we supposed to say? Kits was sad!"

"Well, you should have called a doctor." Carter shot back.

Bianca raised an eyebrow and gave him a thumbs up sign. Kits doffed his hat.

"C'mon" Newkirk dragged them forward "the guards will catch us."

"No they won't" Bianca's eyes gleamed "This is a Mary Sue fanfiction something can only happen if we think of it. Watch:"

With that a troop of flying monkey's wearing fez's landed in the compound.

"Dude" Kits said "Lose the monkeys. Stick to one fandemonium, huh"

"That's not a word" Bianca replied.

"Who's writing this thing?" Kits asked

"Bianca you're writing this section." Carter helpfully explained.

"Oh yeah….uh…. Hey look! It's Laurel!"

Laurel was standing at the gates to Stalag 13 surrounded by moose arguing with Langenstwhatever to let her in.

They rushed over "Where have you been? And what's with the moose?"

"They were here when I got here." Laurel replied adjusting her top hat with the cane she was holding.

"Well they're not cartoon moose so Marilyn must be here someplace" Kits logiced {check out the new verb I invented! Meaning 'to logic' --Bianca}

"Makes sure we get her back when we leave. The last thing war torn Europe needs wandering around is a librarian. It's bad enough they've got the Naz- " Bianca broke off noticing the face Carter was giving her.

"What?"

"You do it too!" he

"Do what? She asked apprehensively

"Think out loud!"  he replied

"Huh….oh was I saying how wonderful librarians are and how the basic structure of modern democracy was encompass -"

Newkirk rolled his eyes and Kits shook her head as Bianca tried to dig her way out of that one.

Laurel surprisingly supplied the exit scene ender that was desperately being evaded up until now.

"Stop your babbling, the next chapter is solely about Marilyn-you can grovel there! This is my scene!"

"It is?" mouthed Kits

Bianca shrugged and pulled an 'apparently face'

But before they could further their comical altercation the compound went dark and the searchlights swooped in from opposing ends of the camp stopping on Laurel as she gripped a microphone and belted out a slow ballard swooning over Langeswhatever as she did.

Newkirk looked at Bianca and Kits. Kits covered her eyes and shook her head.

Bianca shrugged apologetically "I said she could be Marlene Deitrich."

Then from the mist a lone figure holding an oboe walked into focus.

"Oh hi Lauren" Kits waved.

"Lauren." Bianca grinned and nodded cordially

"No, I'm Laurel" Laurel said her back still to Lauren

"I thought you were 'Lori'" Newkirk offered, a confused look on his face.

"Sounded like 'Laura' to me" Carter added his two cents.

"No, no, she was always 'Lily Laurel'" Bianca tried to clarify.

"So who's Lara?" Carter asked.

"Lara?" Bianca repeated.

"Confuzzled" Kits said in a small voice.

Newkirk gave her a cookie. Bianca smiled re-assuringly but grimaced as she tuned into Carters mumbling

"…or was it Laurelle…I'm confused?" 

Bianca frowned "There is only one Laurel and one Lauren. How confusing can that be?"

"What about me?" Rusty appeared through the mist that was hovering on the outskirts of camp and convieniently staying out of the main compound where the dramatic tale was unfolding.

Kits waved.

"Who are you?" Newkirk asked

"Lauren" Rusty replied

"I thought you were Lauren." Newkirk said pointing at Laurel

"No, that's Laurel, _that's _Lauren." Bianca pointed at the Oboe one. 

"I thought she was Leanne….or Lindsay." Carter said staring at Laurenwiththeoboe

"…..or was it Lourdes?"

"Neither sweetie…..she's Lauren." Bianca had gone past exasperated. 

"So who's that?" Newkirk asked pointing at Rusty

"Lauren" Kits mumbled around a mouthful of cookie

"But Bianca just said Lydia was Lauren." Newkirk shot back

"Where'd you pull 'Lydia' from?" Bianca asked

"Oh I'm sorry I meant to say Lynn" Newkirk blushed

"I knew a Lynn once ." Carter reminisced "Is it short for anything? Lynette….Lindsay?" he asked Lauren

Bianca opened her mouth. But before anything could come out a whistle broke through the night. Everybody stopped and looked at Kits who had finished her cookie and was taking charge.

"Bianca, you've just written two pages on 'L' names and you're not getting anywhere. Count your losses and move on."

"But I still have to mention Lillian, Lena, Lousia, Letita, Lori…….." She trailed off

"maybe we should just move on. Where were we?"

"Lauren with the Oboe was walking through the mist" Carter expositioned

"Oh yeah……right-oh" Bianca turned to Lauren "ask us what were doing here" she stage whispered

"What are you doing here?" Lauren asked.

A/N ~ Is every body still grinning (or 'Grinzing' – See Kits! I told you the 'z' thing didn't work for a reason ;o)).

Keeping with the tradition of bad Mary Sues, we're refusing to post more story until we have at least 10 reviews. Considering were at 15 at the moment that threat seems rather idle hmmmm.

Meh. Have a cookie.


	4. Er, More, Unfortunatley for the Innocent...

"Klink's Quarters!" She replied.  
  
"Uh, I hate to ask, 'cause I'm afraid of the answer, but... why are we going to Klink's office?" Kits awaited the answer with something very akin to fear.  
  
Bianca grinned. "It's getting dull," she explained. Kits stared at her incredulously.  
  
"Dull? DULL?!" she cried. Newkirk and Carter glanced at her and put their fingers on their lips. "Oops... just a second!" Closing her eyes, Kits meditated for a minute. Everything froze, except Bianca and herself.  
  
"Hey, cool! I wanna try!" the Aussie exclaimed enthusiastically.  
  
"Later." Kits paused. "God, I sound like my mother... well, one way to cure this. ON TO KLINK'S!"  
  
Bianca snapped, and suddenly the men standing beside them {oh, gee, mind outta gutter here. two girls, two guys, in the middle of the night? do you have the feeling we're gonna get some ribbing with that one or what?} started moving. Carter blinked and looked around confused. Which... was pretty normal in his case.  
  
"Ok, we're going to Klink's office... why? I don't know," Kits stated.  
  
"THIRD BASE!" Bianca shouted happily. Kits covered her mouth and tried not to laugh.  
  
"WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!" a shrill voice broke the air. The Briton next to the girls groaned.  
  
"What's wrong, babe?" Bianca asked him. Newkirk inched away from her slowly.  
  
"Babe?" he questioned, shooting Bianca a weird look.  
  
"Everyone says it in Australia," she said innocently.  
  
"I SAID-" Klink, who was the owner of the voice, began again.  
  
"Hello, sir! I'm Kits, and this is Bianca," Kits suddenly introduced.  
  
(A/N- I'm allowed to do whatever I want, so if this sounds weird, stupid, idiotic, and not just a little bit disturbing, I claim temporary insanity. *turns to lawyer* Are you sure that's right? *lawyer nods* Ok, well, back to the story!)  
  
"Who are you?" the Kommandant questioned, somewhat bewildered as to what two young girls would be doing in a prison camp.  
  
"She just said that, mate," Bianca gave him a reproving look.  
  
"I meant, what are you doing here?" Klink scrunched up his face and glared at them.  
  
"Making everyone scared and confuzzled!" Kits smirked.  
  
"True," Carter agreed with Kits, recalling his Colonel's face when Kathy, had stampeded him. "Wait-confuzzled?" Kits ignored him.  
  
"WHY ARE YOU HERE!?" Klink finally threw up his arms. "Take them to the cooler, Schultz!"  
  
"Dude," Bianca whispered. "We better stop this before we get in the cooler. Whatcha wanna do?"  
  
"You're the author too! Think of something!" Suddenly, a dictionary popped into Kit's hand and she chucked it across the Aegean, Past the Andes, through the Amazon and onto the foreshores of Sydney's Harbour where the sun was setting on the beaches horizon. Bianca caught it with a running backward leap worthy of someone who plays the position in NFL that makes all the running catches.  
  
  
  
"Aha!" She rifled through the thick book's yellow pages.  
  
"You Sir, are a Poopnoddy." Newkirk, Kits and Carter looked at Bianca horrified.  
  
"Dude, are you trying to get us killed?" Kits hissed  
  
"Awwweeee aren't you sweet." Klink replied.  
  
{Now Bianca was going to write another humerous exchange similar to the Lauren/Laurel fiasco in the previous chapter linking the similarities between Poopnoddy and Pöpchen but she just discovered she's not as clever as she thinks so uhhh, we'll pretend this never happened, shall we?}  
  
*rewinding story*  
  
"Take them to the cooler, Schultz!" Klink Bellowed  
  
A legion of guards came marching behind them and grabbed Kits, Bianca, Newkirk and Carter by the elbows and started carrying them in the direction of the cooler.  
  
"Hey! Gentle!" Kits yelled as she struggled to get her feet back on the ground. She glanced over at Bianca who was happily nodding her head along to a tune that was seemingly spritley.  
  
"Why aren't you struggling!?" She questioned incredulously  
  
"No worries!" Bianca Grinned "When they leave us in the cooler I'll pick the locks with my swiss army knife and we can escape."  
  
Kits closed her eyes "Carol has your knife." she replied evenly  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You threw your knife to Carol in chapter one so she could open the wine."  
  
Realisation dawned on Bianca's face "Oh Smeg!" she cried and started struggling to little avail.  
  
As they were carried past the dog kennels (with that wonderfully inconspicuous tunnel entrance) they noticed the dogs weren't all German sheppards.  
  
"Hey! Isn't that Cade!" Kits cried pointing at Marg's dog.  
  
They were interupted however by a Xena like cry as a woman dressed in a bearskin with feathers in her hair came galloping past on a moose.  
  
"This camp needs a Dewey system!" she cried as she galloped past  
  
"Uh..." Kits looked at Bianca wide eyed. As did Carter, Newkirk and the Soldiers that were carrying them who had stopped in shock at the sight.  
  
"....." Bianca too, was speechless. "..well....ah....Marilyn knows how to make an entrance" She finally murmured.  
  
The shock was broken by a voice from the dog kennels. "If you say my name I'm no longer here"  
  
"Huh?" asked Newkirk  
  
"Hi Sarah" Kits waved  
  
"She likes puzzles" Bianca explained "One would say she's a master at them."  
  
The crowd by the kennels barely got their hands over their ears as the canned laughter echoed through the night.  
  
"Do it again and I'll smack you" Carter growled  
  
"Promise?" Bianca asked  
  
"G-rated! Keep it clean!"  
  
"Right, Sorry 'bout that" Bianca sheepishly replied before turning her attention to the assortment of animals in the kennels. "I wonder where they all came from?" she.....well, wondered looking at the pets belonging to the people on the list.  
  
Kits squealed with delight and started tickling Merry behind the ears as he licked her face.  
  
"Who owns the Kangaroo?" Newkirk asked dubiously regretting the question even as he uttered it  
  
"Bradley! What are you doing here?" Bianca spoke to her pet  
  
"Whoa! That is Beyond ridiculous. You DO NOT OWN A KANGAROO!" Carter shouted  
  
"Sure I do" Bianca replied non plussed "How else would I get to work in the mornings?" she asked  
  
Before anybody could answer they were again picked up and marched in the direction of the coolers. Luckily Kits had the foresight to shout at the animals  
  
"Get help!"  
  
Bianca looked at Kits. "This isn't Lassie, and you're not Timmy."  
  
"OH! Lassie's actually an iguana!" Kits called. Everyone, including the guards, turned and stared at her. She was currently singing and staring into space.  
  
"Weren't you the one telling me to struggle?" Bianca complained.  
  
Kits explained her serenity to her Aussie friend. "We're about to trip over a sauna."  
  
"What?!" Newkirk asked, but, as Kits predicted, they tripped over a sauna, and Newkirk fell into the water with a splash. Grabbing the closest thing, he found himself clutching the front of Carter's shirt, who then grabbed Bianca for support, who then grabbed Kits-who was trying to run away- and they all fell into the water.  
  
Patti and Marg looked up from where they were lounging with Scotty and Captain Kirk. "Hey! Get your own sauna!"  
  
Kits sputtered water, and glared at Bianca, who smiled and shrugged. "Cats don't like water?" Carter reached down a hand, which Kits gratefully took and stood.  
  
"Alright. Get your own FIC! This is Hogan's Heroes, not Star Trek!" Before Kits could finish the sentence, Merry, Cade, and other of the dogs, followed closely by Bradley, bounded into the small mass of water, throwing Kits underwater again. "STOP THAT!" she cried.  
  
Bianca snickered and nudged Newkirk. "See, watch, she'll get mad! It's funny!" Kits spared one glance at her, then looked at Kirk and Scotty.  
  
"Shoo!" she motioned for them to leave. In a blink of an eye, they disappeared, leaving only the original characters.  
  
"MAYDAY!" Lynn called from out the window. A brand new car zoomed past, aiming straight for Barracks Two.  
  
"AUGH!!!" the men cried, scrambling for safety.  
  
Lynn, who had just received her driver's permit, was navigating through the barracks, swerving to avoid hitting any of the inhabitants.  
  
Kits looked at Bianca and sighed. "This is all your fault," she moaned.  
  
"What?! You were the one with the idea!" her friend protested.  
  
"Yeah, but you were the one who wrote the first part!" They quickly got into an argument, both of them looking up only when they heard Lynn's frantic voice telling them to get out of the way.  
  
"What are we gonna do?" Kits said.  
  
"Um, have a cookie?" 


	5. Even more of Even more of Even More of t...

Hi, Bianca here. By the powers invested in me, I get to post Part V. Or Even More of Even More of Even More of Even More of the Even More Story  *pauses momentarily to glare at Kits for butchering the ongoing joke in the previous chapter*

Oh yeah, we probably told you that we decided to stop writing for fear of insulting the list members, but numerous international phone calls later….all right it was 3 (I rang the wrong number twice) we came upon an agreement to somehow end the story and send everyone home.

Oh yeah, and *Let the records show that Kits is currently ahead on !Zing! points. i.e she is smarter than me and I really need to try harder* 

And now, on with the tale:

Bianca handed Kits a cookie and a glass of milk, and the teenager accepted the gesture.

Kits contentedly munched on her cookie as Lynn careened out of control towards barracks two.

"Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!" screamed Lynn as she desperately tried to turn. The steering wheel popped out, as it usually does in really bad Mary-Sues, and she stared at it in horror. Throwing the device out the window, she leaned out, cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "Hey, do I need that?"

Carter and Bradders watched in disbelief, with Newkirk and Bianca turning imaginary steering wheels to the right in a futile effort to steer Lyn clear of the building.

Kits then dramatized the moment by spilling her milk. Bianca, Bradders, Newkirk and Carter forgot about the car and looked at the mess.

Kits burst in to tears, crying over the spilt milk, and the bad pun that Bianca inevitably had to add in. A laugh track resounded nearby, and the characters stared at the sky, turning to find where the annoying noise came from. 

The milk evaporated into the ground, and when the members bowed their heads again, they saw no trace of it.

Bianca raised an eyebrow "Well that was useful." She remarked dryly and went back to staring in horror at the out of control car.

Kits continued to munch on her cookie. "Iono why you're worried," she said 

"Huh?"

"Iono why you're worried." Carter looked at Newkirk who looked at Bianca who looked at Bradders who shrugged. (yes, Kangaroos can shrug)  and they all turned to Kits.

"Huh?"

Kits rolled her eyes. "We're _God nothing can happen without us. Sheesh, we've covered this in previous chapters and that message on the list."_

Bianca brightened. "Oh yeah!" she exclaimed and concentrated on stopping the car.

Nothing happened.

"Uhhhhhh Kits…it's not working," Bianca said evenly trying to keep her concern at bay, though her hyperventilating prevented this from being believed. 

She concentrated on the engine stalling. Nothing. The car still held its collision course with Barracks two. 

By now Kits had realized something was wrong, dense as she was. Sparing a moment to glare at the Almighty Author who wrote in the last bit, she closed her eyes and tried that meditation thing from a few chapters back.

Still nothing.

In slow motion Bianca and Newkirk turned and started sprinting towards the barracks. Their steps were in time as beads of sweat ran in rivulets off their foreheads. Newkirk's rounded thigh muscles strained against his uniform from the 1950's as his masculine man arms gripped Bianca and they started running feverishly towards the shattered remnants of the former sanctuary. Pound pound pound went their feet on the ground as they crossed the vast expanse of – 

*****"**Whoa! Time out!*********

 Kits glared at Bianca

"What do you think you are doing?"

"Writing a bad Mary-Sue!" The Aussie protested. "You can't get much clichéd worse than what I just wrote! "

Kits frowned "That last sentence doesn't make sense."  

Bianca sighed and gazed calmly skywards, although we all know that the co-author of this fic usually puts herself in unbelievable situations like this, when we all know Kits would be the smart one. Again, a laughtrack resounded through the silence, and Kits glared at the sky in vexation. The annoying sounds abruptly stopped, and Bianca continued, much to Kits's dismay. "Kits, this whole story doesn't make sense. It's a Bad Mary-Sue. I established that in the very first A/N. Go Back to chapter one and look at the second sentence: _"It is possibly one of the worst Mary Sues on the web,"_

We stopped writing for fear of insulting list members. Because it is a Mary-Sue. We're now resurrecting it by popular demand and the plot point is that we are no longer in control. However it is still a _bad Mary-Sue.  Geddit?"_

Mouthing the words, 'plot' as if she were unused to them, Kits asked, "So this is a Mary-Sue?"

Bianca's mouth twitched. "Uh-huh" she strained through gritted teeth.

"Tight! This means I can have that torrid love-affair with Colonel Hogan!"

Bianca blanched "Uh…Kits…you're 13 - you get the father figure you've always dreamed of. I get the torrid love affair." Kits stuck her lower lip out, though she maintains that she was not 'sulking', per se, merely 'expressing her opinion in a near-childish-yet not quite manner.'

"No fair!" she cried. 

"Wanna bet!"

"You don't even like Hogan!"

"Shhhhh! Do you want the other list members to lynch me!?!" 

"Well get rid of the 13year old comment!"

 "I can't it's already written. I thought the deal was whatever we write goes in."

"Oh," Kits looked away, her mouth twisted in a devious grin. "OOH!!" She snickered insanely, resulting in a rather disturbed look from Bianca.

"Whaddya mean 'oh'?" Bianca replied, alarmed

"Ah Ladies?" Newkirk cleared his throat and joined Kits and Bianca

"I don't mean to be a party pooper or anything, but are you actually going to write anything or is this going to be another chat session where you spend 8 hours insulting each other?"

"What's he doing in the time out?" Bianca asked Kits.

"I don't know. I'm very Confuzzled. And I reallly need to stop eating those cookies."

"What's wrong with my cookies?" Bianca pouted sulkily. 

"Um, nothing, nothing at all. Just you know, with 8th grade dance coming up and all… You know what? Let's play it by ear." Bianca glared, and opened her mouth, ready to make a comment about Kits stealing her line, when Kits answered herself, 

"Right. Ready?"

Bianca and Newkirk got back into position, though the female counterpart of the duo had a sullen look on her face. 

"Ready" they both yelled

Kit's opened her mouth and yelled 

*********"TIME IN!!!!!"**********

Returning to the scene of chaos, Kits scratched her head and looked at Bianca, who was staring at the car in confusion. It had stopped.

"Kits? Bring the car back to time," she nudged Kits.

"I thought we wanted it stopped," Kits frowned in confuzzlement.

Newkirk tapped her on the shoulder, and pointed to the vehicle. "Yes, but I don't think that girl enjoys being in Guatemala." 

Both the girls stared at him. "Guatemala?" Bianca finally repeated. Newkirk nodded. 

"I recognized it from me history books! That's where we were!" Kits's eyes widened, and she shrugged. Snapping, the car restarted. Suddenly, within inches of demolishing the barracks, it stopped.

Lynn leaned back against the seat, then stood up. The car had transformed into a convertible, seeing how inconsistencies ran rampant in bad Mary-Sues. Tossing her head back, and spread her arms wide and shouted, "YES!!! THANK YOU CHEAP GAS!"

Crying out, Hogan suddenly rushed from the barracks and stared at the stopped car, which had slowly started to roll down the slight incline into the barracks. Gathering enough momentum, it crashed through the barracks. All eyes turned to Lynn, who peered over the front window and grimaced. 

"Parking brake… right…" she muttered. Kits yawned tiredly, and Bianca turned on her. 

"Are you tired?" she asked of her friend, whom she insisted on mothering. Kits's jaws snapped shut.

Giggling, she said, "Weary query!!!" She tripped over a rock and fell on the ground laughing. Straightening, she looked Bianca in the eye and said, "I GOT IT!" Snapping her fingers, she suddenly appeared as she would if she were 21, which is a scary thought. Rushing towards Colonel Hogan, she grabbed him, and planted a kiss on his lips. 

Bianca paled and leaned forward to Newkirk, who was trying hard not to show amusement at Hogan's desperate flailings. "She's definitely tired." By now, the teenager had gone back to being 13, and wearing a satisfied smirk, she looked at her friend. 

"We may go now. I have gotten what I came for." 

Bianca arched an eyebrow, the left one, because she felt evil. "One kiss was not a torrid love affair," she stated.

Kits's eyes gleamed. "Great! I'll snap myself up again, and then I can stay here, and have that torrid-"

"NO! Back to bed as soon as you get home!" Kits, this time, pouted, and glared at Bianc, who glared back, though she looked rather pathetic. 

**(This would be payback, Bianc! )**

"Payback for what exactly, hmmmm? Don't make me call your mother, we're old friends now y'know."

Kits started to explain but Bianca held up her hand. "Leave it, lets just concentrate on getting everybody back into the transporty thing from chapter one (what was it called again?) and back to reality." 

She swooshed her cape and stalked into the middle of the compound trying to recall where the stray list members had gotten too.

"Hey!" Kits called indignantly skipping after her "When didya get the cape?" 

"I dunno, but it makes me feel powerful. Do you like?"

"I like it." Carter said earnestly.

Bianca smiled at him. He smiled back. Newkirk looked at Kits and raised an eyebrow. Kits rolled her eyes "Don't look at me" she said "She's writing this bit."

Kinch sidled up at that moment and whispered something into Hogan's ear. Hogan blenched {A/N – yes, it's a word! I got it from the thesaurus!} turning to Newkirk, Kits, Carter, Bianca & Bradders he growled "I want to see you two in my office _now._" 

A/N Hi, me again. Kits lost the rest *everybody stand, point and glare*, it's floating around cyber space someplace, so as soon as we find it we'll post it. It shouldn't be too long, but when you review (speaking of which, keeping with tradition we want 15) let us know if you want to be in the Lynch mob for TV land. Oh and Kits, Zing!


	6. Even More of Even More of Even More of E...

Correction for the Previous Chapter: Kits does not skip. She gallops, trots, canters… *snickerz*, but she does not skip. Thank you.  
  
And now, on to the real authors' note!  
  
A/N: The A/N makes it official, you know. Anyways, sorry for the long wait, but we sort of… um… lost the chapter and had to rewrite it.  
  
Be prepared for some insanity beyond your wildest dreams….  
  
Well, maybe your wildest, but not-  
  
Bianca: Shut up.  
  
Righto. On with the show! Fic, whatever- *Bianca drags Kits away*  
  
  
  
"Why?" Bianca asked innocently, knowing it would aggravate the colonel. Though he opened his mouth, about to continue, he was cut off (that happens a lot in this) by a whooping of two female voices.  
  
"LOOK AT WHAT WE FOUND!!!!" Patti and Marg called from their perch on a broom, high about the others.  
  
"How the heck-" Kits began, but revised it and said, "Why me?" Bianca shot an annoyed glare at her.  
  
"Mary-Sue. Fic. Thingie?" she explained. Kits nodded and yawned widely. "YAWN!?" Bianca shouted with glee. "Yawn?! You're tired! Ha! Off to bed with thee!"  
  
Kits protested half-heartedly, "I'm not tired! Not even sleepy… Well, maybe just a little…" Curling up on the ground into a little ball, she closed her eyes and started muttering.  
  
"Hey, cool, I love that song!" Bianca whispered to Newkirk, having managed to make out some of the words that Kits was singing in a rather off- key voice.  
  
"What song?" the Briton asked. Bianca was happy to oblige him, and suddenly a stage appeared, with gigantic speakers on either side. A microphone was featured in Bianca's hand, and she opened her mouth wide.  
  
Colonel Hogan, meanwhile, had ventured into his office, and come out again; this time he was sporting two earmuffs. Slipping some on his own head, he placed an identical pair on Kits' ears, ignoring Bianca's glare.  
  
Happy now that the distraction was over, the Aussie began to .. er, sing?  
  
"You and I in a little toy shop…"  
  
Kits grinned in her sleep and finished, "Buy a bag of balloons with the money we got…"  
  
"Set them free at the break of dawn," Bianca continued. "Till one by one, they were gone! Back at base, bugs in the software, flash the message, something's out there."  
  
Her marvelous moment was ruined, however, by the arrival of several drunk ladies who were weaving their way over to where she stood, racously singing some song that was probably not appropriate for a sailor, much less the party there. Bianca stood fulminating on the stage at the constant interruptions.  
  
"Let it go," Carter suggested. Bianca smiled at him and walked off stage.  
  
"OUT!" she shouted irritably. The drunken women stared at her. She stared back. "Rause!" she called.  
  
"Hey!" Schultz came waddling in. "That's my line!" There were mumurs of agreement throughout the milling prisoners.  
  
"Whatever. Just make 'em go away!"  
  
"My sentiments exactly," Hogan strolled up to the guard and 20-year- old congenially.  
  
Though growling insults through their teeth, the group allowed themselves to be herded towards the barracks-the hole was still there, surprisingly, since-  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Kits cried, awaking just in time to see a purple/red spotted creature with horns and a trunk run past. "Oh, wait, never mind. I know what it was," she answered herself.  
  
"What?" Bianca cried.  
  
Kits grinned, shrugged, and answered, "An inconsistency." Groaning in protest at the joke, Bianca smacked her and dragged her up.  
  
"Since you're awake, you might as well help," she intoned. Gathering themselves up, the two girls shoved their way into the barracks to see groups of people doing various things; some of which may insult/scandalize younger viewers.  
  
"I'm insulted. I'm scandalized," Kits said drily. Bradders snickered, and Bianca shot an annoyed look at Kits. "What?" the teenager asked plaintatively.  
  
"Enough! How are we going to get these people back into the whatchamacallit?"  
  
"Wait, I have an idea!" Kits called triumphantly. Pointing obviously and shouting as loud as humanly possible, she suddenly threw her other hand to her face dramatically.  
  
"OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IS THAT? IT LOOKS LIKE A PHOTO CONTEST!!!" Everyone looked around, and she heard mumurs of 'where' and 'when's the deadline?', so she added, "BACK IN THE TUNNEL! BACK HOME!!" Everyone started stampeding to the entrance of the tunnel, and after the last one was through, Kits turned to Bianca, who had a delicate eyebrow arched and was staring at the girl.  
  
Replying to the unspoken question, Kits told her, "It's summer, I want to chill. That's why it's so short." Before Bianca could answer (heh, she got cut off again? *snickerz*) they both found themselves being propelled in the same direction as the mass of people.  
  
"Hey, wait, can't we stay? Huh? C'mon, awww…." Kits tried. Bianca, meanwhile, shrugged aimibly and turned to Kits.  
  
"No prob, mate! We'll just go to Woodstock!"  
  
"Awesome!" her companion grinned widely. "And then onto Nena's concert of 99 Luft Balloons!"  
  
"Mhmm!"  
  
And so, the two walked off into the sunset, both singing in an off- key voice "99 Red Balloons." If you listen very closely, one day you may hear Kits remarking about Reel Big Fish's version of the song. My advice to you, if you do, is to run. They may be getting nearer, and you saw what happened last time!  
  
The END  
  
A/N: Or is it?  
  
Bianca: It is. Now c'mon!  
  
Kits: Aww, ruin it why don'tcha! 


End file.
